الله أكبر

I’ve been asked a few times about the first couple of posts in this blog but I never wanted to talk about it. I guess the joy of having Kaitlyn in our lives heals the old wounds.

We live in a world of instant results. And I had fallen into that trap. I wanted results and I wanted them now! I spent years wondering why our prayers weren’t answered. I wanted results, damn it!!

Why did we have all the problems? Or rather, why is it nobody else seems to have any difficulties? Why were we given the joy of finding out that the first IVF in 2006 was successful, only to be disappointed a few weeks later when were we told that she had to be removed because she was growing in the fallopian tube. It was a terrible weekend in October 2006 which I still remember very vividly. We stayed in bed the entire weekend and cried. We refused to talk to anyone. We refused to be comforted.

Was it envy that everyone else had it easy? I don’t know if I was just being sensitive but I felt that even our closest friends were hesitant about telling us about their successful pregnancies. Or was it a lack of faith? Or was it both?

And why did we have to do the same to Kaitlyn’s twin in March 2007? Has Audrey not had enough surgeries already? So many times I wanted to give up. Not because I didn’t want a child, but because I couldn’t bear to see my wife suffer anymore. Now I am wrecked with guilt when I look at Kaitlyn and recall the times when I wanted to give up! What kept us going of course was that Kaitlyn was still growing well despite the surgery and the loss of her twin. The determination that Audrey had was inspiring.

God had given me the responsibility of being the head of this household, and I had failed. But you know what, Jesus never fails. In fact, He said that, “I will never leave you nor forsake you”

God promised: Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know – Jeremiah 33:3.

Firstly, He said “call to me”. Looking back, did we really call to Him? Or did we just pray blindly and hope to get it over and done with?

He also said the he will answer. He did not say that He might answer. He said that He will answer. Did I really have complete faith to believe that?

Then He said that he will tell us great and unsearchable things that we do not know. Great. Unsearchable. Things you do not know.

So what is God trying to tell me? I don’t know. But if I have faith in Him, and I trust and believe that His love for me and my family is so overwhelming that we will never fathom or comprehend, then that’s all I need.

To trust and obey.